“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
—Clarence Darrow (1857–1938)
I’ll add a little admonishment that the pleasure one takes in the obituaries of others should be kept a private matter – in the hopes that others will afford the same courtesy at your own passing.
At the core of every conspiracy theorist’s premise is a tacit, fundamental misjudgment of their own importance to the world. Lost somewhere between the ghosts of Cassandra and Narcissus, they weave connections amongst deliriously tenuous contrivances, from which conclusions emerge as haphazard Socratic leaps that a young Mikhail Baryshnikov would pause to admire. And of course this is attended by the requisite mocking indignity of presumed powerlessness. It is, in the end, a means to feign engagement while artfully avoiding the real work of dealing with however few of the world’s challenges that might happen to fall within their meager grasp.
There was a time when I thought there was only one truly wrong answer to a question from a woman:
“I don’t care.”
It doesn’t matter if the woman is a love interest, a family member or co-worker – never use that phrase. Ever. The question could be “Would you like a paperclip or staple for your copies?” to “Missionary or Doggie Style tonight, honey?” – and in many cases may represent a completely false choice. It simply doesn’t matter. There’s probably more than one right answer to any question – and probably several categories of wrongness in others – but none compare to the red-hot anguish you will likely embrace in response to the abject intellectual poverty of that three-word phrase [especially if it's true].
But I’ve recently found that there’s also an equally wrong phrase that will that will likely land you in the seventh level of Venusian Hell:
“Are you serious?”
You might think that this is an appropriate means to gather more information, but in fact you likely just flunked an emotional spelling bee by slamming the door on her side of the conversation. There is no calculus known to humankind that can measure the depths of loathing that these two answers inspire in the fairer gender.
Instant PERSONAL INTERACTION FAIL. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Save yourself a lifetime of grief by taking two seconds to think of anything else other than those two answers for your response. Your odds of finding the appropriate balance of rightness/wrongness will improve dramatically, as will your potential interaction with those of matching X chromosomes.
The world’s graveyards echo with the memories of faltered heroics and unrequited genius. Bear that in mind when the smaller part of self beckons you to shrink from a worthy challenge.
Stress versus Trust
Given the choice, I’ll take a stressful situation with people I trust, over a cushy setup with those I do not – every time.
Houston Haynes